Close encounters of the toddler kind

Today a friend of mine reminded me of a story I have yet to share with you. Thinking about it now I don't know why I haven't posted it sooner. M is one of the funniest kids I know. Yes, I realize I may be a little biased but really this kid has me literally LMAO sometimes ! (Laughing My A%$ Off). This was one of those times.

Our morning routine during the school year is as follows:

Wake children up and herd them into our bedroom

Turn on disney jr.

Get them their clothes and breakfast

Let them watch disney jr. while eating breakfast

Get myself dressed as fast as I can while they are still eating

Help girls get dressed and ready for the day

M being able to dress herself often does that as I help K get ready. I had just brought M her clothes for the day when she sat up and said

M: "Peeeee-yew! My lady parts stink!"

Please imagine the waving hand motion that people often make when something smells accompanying this statement.

Me: (thinking its a good thing tonight is bath night)

Five minutes later when she started changing into her clothes....

M: I know why I thought my lady parts stink mom. There was a little poop in my undies. I must not have wiped so good last time.

This would be why we now buy flushable wipes.

Riding in cars with toddlers

Trips to visit my parents are often a mix of excitement and dread. While it is only a two and a half hour drive there a lot can happen!

It never fails that if we need to make a bathroom stop for M it is always at the point of our drive where all the upcoming exits are connectors to other highways and where there is a not bathroom in sight. As you can imagine she has become an expert at peeing in the great outdoors. One particular trip back home from my parents house in the middle of February it was a little too cold to pee on the side of the road. This readers is where our story for today begins....

M: I need to go potty Mom!
Me: Can you hold it or do you have to go right now?
M: I can hold it until I can use Nonny's potty.
Me: Okay are you sure?
M: Yes I'm fine. I'll wait until Nonny's house.

Less then five minutes later...

M: I can't hold it!
Me: Alright let me try to find an exit with a bathroom.

After passing several exits that were just connectors....

Me: Well there are no bathrooms nearby so we are going to have to pull over and you are going to have to pee there.
M: I think I'd prefer a potty please.
Me: I know you would honey but there are no potties.

On the trip to my parents house M was not feeling so great. Occasionally she gets carsick. I packed a small bucket with a few plastic grocery bags lining it. With it being so cold I realized she wouldn't be able to pee outside of the car without freezing her butt off. We had to improvise a little....

Me: M here is the plan. I am going to clear off the floor on your side of the car and put everything on K's side. Then you will have to squat and use the bucket to go potty.
M: I can't go potty in a bucket Mom!
Me: Normally we wouldn't but we don't have another option right now so I need you to try.
M: Okay I'll try.

A few moments and an empty bladder later....

Me: I am so proud of you M! You went pee in the bucket and I know that wasn't too easy for you!
M: Don't be too proud Mom. I got a little pee on the floor.

I am extremely thankful we have rubber floor mats in our car otherwise we would have had a very smelly ride the rest of the way home!

Kids truly say the darndest things

Cosby hit the nail on the head....kids say the darndest things.

In a child's world everything is black and white. They say what they think or feel when they think or feel it with absolutely no filter. My kids, as i'm sure yours have too, often say things that have me laughing so hard I almost pee my pants. Of course I have to wait until they leave the room because sometimes I don't think repeating these things in a more public setting should be encouraged by me cracking up hysterically.

I've often shared these stories with friends who have then shared them with their friends. A good handful of these people have told me I need to write a book. Kind of the same idea as "Sh*t my Dad says" only the toddler version. I decided the internet would be an easier way to capture and share these moments.

Which leads me to today. The day "What does the Toddler say?" is born. So without further ado let me share a gem from the Vault of stories that comes from our older daughter M.

We are a military family. My husband has some friends that are single sailors who also have no filter and have yet to realize that small children are similar to parrots. They repeat EVERYTHING! K our younger daughter was petting our dog Duke. Duke is not fixed so sometimes things "excite" him more then they should. His doggy boy parts started to come out, K, not knowing what it was decided to reach for it.

Me: K no don't touch that!
M: What? The red rocket on his boy parts? Daddy has a red rocket on his boy parts too!

Yeah you read that right. I could barely hold it in. What made it worse was my husband just looked at me from across the room with his little grin and said "Did she just really just say that?" Yes, honey she said that! Thanks to some of your friends she has learned these delightful phrases that I hope don't get repeated at Pre-K otherwise we may get some interesting phone calls or visits at home. When M was much younger there where times it was just easier to toss her in the shower with one of us. Needless to say, being the inquisitive kid she is, she understands and has since asked many questions about what parts men & women have and why.

This readers is just a small glimpse at what you can expect in my everyday life and what this blog will contain. Please laugh with me as I continue to share what my toddler says because honestly I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried!